


The Great Shinra Bakeoff

by purglepurglepurgle



Category: Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: AU, Comedy, Gen, Humour, The Great British Bakeoff, cakes, crackfic, lazing on a Sunday afternoon, pure silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 10:20:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20388136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purglepurglepurgle/pseuds/purglepurglepurgle
Summary: "Hello and welcome to the Great Shinra Bakeoff! Joining us in the tent today are a fine selection of Shinra staff. They're the crème de la crème of the Shinra soufflé- but who will expertly wobble their way to rise as star baker? Find out now, on the Great Shinra Bakeoff!"Just me being silly.





	The Great Shinra Bakeoff

_"Hello and welcome to the Great Shinra Bakeoff! Joining us in the tent today are a __fine__ selection of Shinra staff. They're __the crème de la crème of the Shinra souffl__é__\- but who __will_ _expertly wobble their way to __rise as__ star baker__? Find out now, on the Great Shinra Bakeoff!"_

-

_Scarlet, a member of the Shinra Board of Directors, is toasting her meringue with a blowtorch._

_ "Scarlet, I'm loving this stylish welding visor! But I have to ask: should that meringue be... black?"_

"Kyahahahahaha!"

-

_Reeve, also on the board, is making a trifle._

"I don't really know how to bake, but it's about taking part, isn't it? So I'm trying to make my own biscuit and a custard, somehow; eggs, isn't it? That makes it yellow, I know that much. I meant to practice, but, work, you know how it is. But how hard can jam be, right? Heh... I think it's just sugar and fruit. I hope it's just sugar and fruit. Hah! Have you _seen_ Rufus' cake?"

-

_Tseng, head of the Administrative Research department, has made a daring decision. He is using a shop-bought cakemix in his cake._

_ "Tseng... Tseng, Tseng, Tseng, Tseng, Tseng... Is that really in the bakeoff spirit?"_

"Does the bakeoff spirit involve getting a cake? Because this is the only way Paul and Mary get a cake. I don't have much cause to bake in my day job-- but I've learned that it doesn't matter how you do things; it's the results that count. Besides, I'm adding fresh eggs."

-

_Reno, also of the Administrative Research department, is making sugared doughnuts for his bake. But there's a twist..._

_ "Reno! What was that?"_

"What was what?"

_ "That, in the bin... 'Pack of 6 doughnuts: 5 gil'. Reno! These are from the supermarket!"_

"Yeah, well."

_ "I'm going to have to tell Paul and Mary about this. Though you still have time to bake something yourself, if you start now and go really really fast!"_

"I'll think about it."

“_Stop eating the doughnuts!”_

-

_Elena, the third member of the Administrative Research department, is taking a more honest route than her colleagues._

"I'm making a Victoria sponge-- it's the only cake I know how to make; my mum gave me her recipe and I've been trying it all week; my house is full of sponges; I try to make five a night because you can make two at a time if you use different shelves in the oven and then combine the ones that cook on the same shelf and I haven't slept in 3 days but I know the perfect time and temperature now! So, fingers crossed! It's gone well at home."

_"Good luck!"_

"Thank you! I hope the boss appreciates my effort. I don't want to let him down."

-

_President Rufus Shinra has the most unorthodox method in the tent. He has outsourced the production of his bake to “La Pâtisserie du Gaia”, Junon's largest and most famous confectionary firm._

"Ah, that will be the delivery now."

_"Goodness!"_

_His cake is a multi-tier replica of Midgar itself, slathered in mint and chocolate icing, with candyfloss smoke for the trains. These trains **move**, along matchstick tracks. At intervals, a clockwork mechanism, made from gingerbread, opens a valve in the interior of each reactor, so that the custard mako bubbles._

"I intend to win."

-

_Our final contestant, Rude, also works for Shinra's Administrative Research Department. He is making an elaborate croquembouche: a pyramid of profiteroles, shaped to resemble the legendary Temple of the Ancients, decorated with spun sugar and edible flowers. Furthermore, he, too, is constructing a clockwork gingerbread mechanism: a small music box that, when the handle is turned, will play the Shinra anthem. To record the music box's instructions, he is preparing punch cards out of rice paper. He is also baking a tray of blueberry macarons, to embellish the perimeter, which will give the impression of ocean waves-- and that's not all! To enhance the temple walls, he is baking three _ further _trays, of petit-fours: raspberry tarts, crisp almond swirls, and a veritable country garden of hazelnut snails._

_ "Wow, Rude! Do you think you'll have time?"_

"... .... ... It should work. I have practice."

_"Oh?"_

"... ... ... Before I joined Shinra... ... ... I was the chef pâtissier at ‘La Pâtisserie du Gaia’."

THIS BROADCAST HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED


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